*This poem was written when I was 19 and wanted to find a relationship but also wished I was more self satisfied and could live my life without desiring someone else. It describes cold rational intellect telling me to find meaning and happiness without a romantic relationship that was at odds with the strong impulse towards connecting deeply and intimately with another person. I’m now 48 years old and 25 years married and it seems like a lifetime away. But I remember that deep yearning and longing that conflicted with wanting to be independent and satisfied with just myself. *


I mourn the internal, instinctive needs

covered with the white, soft quiet powder of intellect

I wander through the chill

I step on and on

with feet that burn with cold



her prismed flakes cover my face and blind my eyes

her soft, illusive shapes fall upon my upturned hands as I reach to catch her empty beauty

I face the raging storm that falls upon my beating breast

upon my warm and eager hands


I trample a thousand green blades of grass

I stumble over fields of lillies

my frozen ears cannot hear the sweetness of the thrush


alone, alone with myself

I blunder throught the drifts

and seek the desires of a human

amid the storm

I mourn

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