*This poem was written when I was 19 and wanted to find a relationship but also wished I was more self satisfied and could live my life without desiring someone else. It describes cold rational intellect telling me to find meaning and happiness without a romantic relationship that was at odds with the strong impulse towards connecting deeply and intimately with another person. I’m now 48 years old and 25 years married and it seems like a lifetime away. But I remember that deep yearning and longing that conflicted with wanting to be independent and satisfied with just myself. *
I mourn the internal, instinctive needs
covered with the white, soft quiet powder of intellect
I wander through the chill
I step on and on
with feet that burn with cold
her prismed flakes cover my face and blind my eyes
her soft, illusive shapes fall upon my upturned hands as I reach to catch her empty beauty
I face the raging storm that falls upon my beating breast
upon my warm and eager hands
I trample a thousand green blades of grass
I stumble over fields of lillies
my frozen ears cannot hear the sweetness of the thrush
alone, alone with myself
I blunder throught the drifts
and seek the desires of a human
amid the storm
I mourn
