Damn if I don’t sit and do nothing

when there is so much that needs to be done

the black nothing that is empty

full of spaces dull and heavy

lethargy and waste inside

*Charleston, SC+

I thought that all my yesterdays would fade away

but I find they grow and fill the empty space when my mind is quiet

the child I was and the woman I became

live together in my mind

yesterdays visit my dreams

in the oddest times they pop into my mind

lingering as ghosts

some whom I love and some I confess I hate

I feel sure they will stay with me dancing on the edge of what is now

making me determined to cherish and keep those who are here

let ghosts sleep and the living love

 

*Charleston, SC*

 

As I traveled to see my college daughter perform in her Christmas vocal concert in Salem, Oregon I was busy looking at how Oregon stacks up against Colorado. It is green, temperate, rainy, hilly, lush, crowded, expensive, eccentric, has a large homeless population, friendly, nature oriented, coffee oriented. It has many of the things I like and as always when we travel, my husband and I engaged on what ifs. I am always looking for a new place. I grew up with parents that moved dozens of times before I was eighteen. By the time I moved out (at eighteen) I had lived in California, Utah, Florida, and Texas, in many different areas and homes in those respective states. It was hard to settle as an adult, but I knew my kids needed more stability than I had. We have lived in Denver for twenty years, but true to my childhood, we have lived in the foothills of Denver, the west, north and central side. I feel that if I move, it will be a fresh start, the right fit and in some way better. Sometimes those things were true, but sometimes it just left a feeling that nowhere is home.  It makes me think of belonging. Belonging is the way we identify who we are and what we care about. The small communities we make online, our families, our work families, the causes we take up with, the ways we identify ourselves with our pleasures and hobbies. Some of the ways I identify are as a lover of words, pianist, and nurse. In each of those communities I feel at home in a different way.  Belonging and home go hand in hand. They are intertwined. I think life is a search for belonging to the places and people that fill something up inside of us that fits just right. It is that person we choose to partner with, the way we build and create a place for our children in our lives, the search for the environment that makes us able to feel ourselves; whether in natural beauty or in a city setting. The search for belonging and home stretch before us and change as we change, looking different at the different intersections of our lives.

*Salem , Oregon December 2019*

I am only limited by

how much curiosity I bring

how much effort I make

my willingness to repeat a thing again and again

I believe that I can grow

that age will not define my ability to learn

that failure is just a word

that life is a puzzle that should be worked on

engaged with vigor

 

 

 

don’t let the bullies win

they get in our faces, they growl and whine

they spin our words

wrap our reality in their hands

toss it about

when I hear them roar

tempo and cadence increasing

a small place inside of me gets quiet and strong

I invite their loud rebukes

For I have to live with myself if I do not speak

the shame of regret

is far louder

 

*a rally I had the honor of being present for in Denver 2017 by students marching against gun violence*

This poem is not about gun violence but about all the issues, including that one, that get spun (in my mind) into nonsense and lose any ability to be addressed in any effective, humane manner because of political, financial and personal agendas. I have been reading civil rights speeches and it is amazing to me the parallels of slavery, women’s and civil rights in which people would spin and defend obvious moral depravity and inequality for their own personal gain or agenda/power.

 

 

do you ever look at your child

and think how beautiful

how precious

how vulnerable your heart is

how their dreams are your dreams

their happiness yours

their despair shared inside of you

knowing that for good and bad

you have been shaken together

blurred at the edges

*Isla Mujures, Mexico*

 

I believe I must be true to my core beliefs

I must stand and speak in the face of pressure to capitulate

the world was never changed with silent arguments

Words must be said with confidence and courage

I must examine my motives to make sure it is not out of selfishness, anger or pride

be careful to speak my truth with kindness

But if I don’t stand strong in the face of your agenda

your wrong thinking

I will be swallowed up